Tuesday, March 22, 2016

I Tried the Latest Trend in Oral Sex Vibrators and I'm Still Orgasming
By Krista McHarden
While there are approximately ten gazillion mouth-like sex toys on the market for men to stick their penises into, very few offer a similar sensation for the ladies. It's such typical bullshit. Of course men get all the motorized blow jobs their ding dongs could want, while women get some giant dick stand-ins. Yes, giant dick stand-ins are fine and often even divine, but you would think that products that suck on our clits would be a big deal — both men and women widely acknowledge that getting head is the shit, and most women have an easier time orgasming with clitoral stimulation than from penetration alone. 
That's why me and my nether regions were thrilled to receive an email from my editor asking if I wanted to try the latest trend in the female sex toy market: suction oral sex simulators for women. It's a pretty new thing and there are only two currently available – the Fiera Arouser for Her and the Womanizer — but both had a panel of doctors agree that they arouse women better than getting rammed by a dildo.
The German-made Womanizer promises, "Touchless clitoral stimulation with waves of pulsating pleasure offer a sheet-gripping orgasm like you've never felt before," while Fiera says it will, "spark sexual arousal and increase desire, naturally." Since the two both work by suckling on your clitoris (sorry but it's the truth), the main differences are that the Womanizer is handheld while Fiera requires no hands, and the Womanizer says it'll take you to ~the most dramatic orgasm of your life~, while Fiera was specifically designed to get you in the mood for sex, but not to take you all the way to Orgasmville.

After fixing the Womanizer to my clitoris — this part wasn't easy; I had to use a mirror. Thanks high school sex ed for teaching me nothing about my body! — I started at the lowest intensity, which kind of felt like what I imagine the light touch of a sexy ghost on your genitals must feel like. It wasn't amazing but it wasn't not amazing. It's hard to explain. It felt as if it was trying to drag an orgasm out of me very slowly. Like, I was turned on but also my mind was wandering? It felt good enough to maybe let it go on forever, but also being constantly horny would be terrible; I was Sisyphus pushing the slowest damn almost-orgasm up a hill of sexual frustration. 
After a few minutes of this titillating purgatory, I fiddled with the different intensities until, just like a perverted Goldie Locks, I found one in the middle that was just right. And, oh boy, was it just right! So, so, so, so, so just right. SO DAMN JUST RIGHT.
I'm not exaggerating when I say that this sensation is unlike anything I've ever felt before. It was an intense, all over body shake that lasted for several minutes. If I were a wolf, I would have been howling at the moon. It's what I imagine receiving oral sex from a tongue possessed by a SEX ANGEL would be like. 
I may have called in sick and stayed in bed for the rest of day and it may have been 100 percent fucking worth it.
I have to be honest: it was hard to pull me away from the Womanizer after its insane showing, but a woman cannot live on powerful, sustained 10 minute orgasms alone. (Or can she? Would I be the woman to find out? Was this my Everest?!)
The Fiera looks like a tiny mouse (the computer attachment, not the animal) and has soft, removable plastic suction rings intended to encircle your clit. You can switch the rings out for cleanliness, which is good, because coming is messy. The other pro is that it's so small and light that once it suctions onto your clit you can let go of it and it just does its own thang down there.
For this one, I opted to include my husband because Fiera is supposed to be used as foreplay to take you to the brink of orgasm, and I needed someone to push me over the edge. Plus, he was bored and wanted to know why I'd been in bed all day. 

My husband threw the Fiera Arouser For Her right quick on my clitoris because he understands female anatomy better than I do and because he was fascinated to watch this go down. "Maybe this thing will put me out of a job!" he joked and I looked him straight in the eye and said in a dead-serious tone, "Yes. Maybe it will. Maybe it will put all men out of jobs and women will finally rule the world and peace will be restored." My husband's used to this so he just nodded in agreement and stared intently at my genitals. This is why our marriage works.
Once attached, the Fiera felt almost like the lowest setting of the Womanizer but with the ability to change the pattern of mini-vibrations and sucking. I fiddled around with it until it felt good and then it just started feeling better and better. And better. And beeetttteeeer.
But never SO MUCH better that I had an orgasm. It's very strange to be getting hornier and hornier and wetter and wetter but never really feel like it's going to result in anything? It sort of feels like the after-tingle of an orgasm, but without having orgasmed yet. Anyway, when I was fully ready to go, my husband took it off and we had a very successful bone session with a satisfying, lengthy orgasm. While some of that was due to my husband, let's not give him too much credit. Fiera and it's light leech-like touch really got me going.
If getting turned on is an issue for you on the regular — and lord knows trying to have sex when you can't get wet is certainly an issue — the Fiera could be a game-changer for your sex life. But if your sex drive is on par with your partner's, it might not be the best use of $250 since it's not super useful on its own (although I guess you could finish with another vibrator or, as their site kind of weirdly suggests, put it on for a few minutes in the morning to feel good all day?) If masturbation is more your steez, go for the Womanizer. Either way, get ready to be like, "What's happening to my body, but I like it???" because I have never felt 80 percent aroused for such an extended period of time.
In the end, both sex toys provide unique and interesting sexual experiences — and they ought to, these things ain't cheap! Lots of women will find them to be worthwhile additions to their solo- and/or partner-based sex lives because it's super arousing to feel like a pair of tiny perfect lips are sucking on your clit, and that's just a fact, Jill. Now if only someone could invent a tongue attachment to go with these things I'd fucking marry it.

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